Trump Wants the Old Fox News Back

Illustration for article titled Trump Goes on Fox & Friends to Complain About the Good Ole Days When Fox News Was Really Biased

Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

It’s Election Day!

So that means President Trump is up early on the phones with Russian operatives making sure that all of the systems are in place to steal another election. I kid, or do I? But seriously, you know someone is worried when they make an appearance on Fox & Friends to complain about everyone including why Fox News keeps trying to look like a regular, legitimate news station!

Complaining has really been the crooked spine that runs through Trump’s presidency. From the beginning, the president has claimed that America has it in for him. The news is fake. The coronavirus is fake. Why does America keep reporting about those infected with COVID-19? Why can’t they talk about the good things I’ve done? Why are these interview questions so hard? And, my personal favorite: How come Fox News isn’t as biased as it used to be?

Fox & Friends host White Man, (seriously does the host’s name even matter? It’s a white man. It’s always a white man) asked the president if he planned on declaring victory early because he’s a petty bitch who lives for drama. The president, who sounded hoarse from yelling while punching a handcuffed South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham in the nutsack all night, noted that: “When there is victory, if there is victory, I think we will have victory. I think the polls are, you know, suppression polls. And I think we will have victory. But only when there is victory. You know, there is no reason to play games. And I think we will have victory,” Buzzfeed News reports

Sorry, what the fuck did the president just say? He was asked if he was going to declare a premature victory and he went on a victory rant that basically looks at how many times he can say the word victory. He sounds like a fucking mumble rapper at this point.

Then Trump…blah blah blah…Kamala’s terrible…blah blah…the China plague…cough blah.

The best part of Trump’s appearance on Fox & Friends was his attacks on Fox News, which left the host stuttering to defend Republican SpankBang.

Trump claimed that the biggest change from 2016 to now was Fox News and added that “in the old days they wouldn’t put on Sleepy Joe every time he had opened his mouth. They had other networks for that, frankly,” BuzzFeed News reports.

Host Brian Kilmeade responded, saying that the network tries to “show both sides.”

Trump didn’t want to hear that shit because the way Trump sees it, what is the point of being a dicktator if he can’t have his own propaganda news network!

BuzzFeed News notes that Biden “spent the morning of Election Day at church in Delaware, which he followed by a visit to the gravesite of his late son Beau Biden. His first wife, Neilia, and daughter Naomi, are also buried at the church.”

Which is vastly different from President Trump, who spent his morning kicking Graham in the nuts while toying with the mouth zipper on the South Carolina’s senator’s leather mask. He then told Graham that if Harrison beats him, “you’re nothing to me,” before drinking a chalice of baby vulture blood and calling into Fox & Friends.


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